I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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