I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
