There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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