i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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