If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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