So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
