girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
