If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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