I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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