my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
