Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
