I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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