apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
