your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think a kid would responsible me up
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
