I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
