can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize