I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
