I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
