Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
