3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
