I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
