I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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