I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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