So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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