Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
