I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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