I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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