He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
