I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
