Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
