He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
