So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
