what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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