gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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