my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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