Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
