this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
