My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
