I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
