i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
