I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
