Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So I just went to clothing optional bar
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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