Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
