Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
