I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
