Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is not my ceiling
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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