I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
