Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
