Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
