At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
