I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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