Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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