Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
