we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
