Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
