sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
