yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
