Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
