dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
