I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
