ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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