I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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