im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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