it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
